I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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