I can tuck mytits in my pants
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
