In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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