wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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