Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
3 2 1 whiskey
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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