just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
