Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize