I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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