My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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