Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
