1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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