Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i will never coherently bang her
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
