I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
