Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
