my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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