So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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