It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can I color on your dick again?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
