it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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