Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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