Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
