Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
