mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
