I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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