hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize