omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
