I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
