Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I love you. Go after that dick
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
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