I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
