They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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