woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize