Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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