Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize