I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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