If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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