so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
