call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
