That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
