If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
