have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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