forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I want to have your abortion
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize