Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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