Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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