Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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