i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dignity is for republicans.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
