So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
