Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
