Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
