she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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