I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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