So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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