Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
