he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
