Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
