This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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