i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
