I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
