Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
