I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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