i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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