i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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