Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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