So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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