Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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